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Mosquito-Thoughts

It all starts with a thought

That flies in like a mosquito

And it perches on your leg

While you sip your cappuccino

That you got from Second Cup

Which I guess kinda sucks

‘Cause in your wallet pocket

Was a coupon for Starbucks

 

Anyway,

 

Now the mosquito-thought sticks with you

In its ever itchy bite

The mosquito-thought malaria

Slowly burns delight

Now the process is quite gradual

So you don’t seem to mind

The hole where self-love and esteem

Used to reside

 

Unaware of mental weaknesses

You go about your day

When a different mosquito-thought

Shares part of its decay

Now you really start to feel it

The anxiety attack

When the hole where self-love used to be

Fills up with black

 

It’s here.

 

Anxiety gives me a grin as it twists the mosquito-thought

Into a balloon animal made of aggression

A balloon animal of criticisms and problems

In the person I am

In the criticisms and problems

It knows I’m most ashamed of

In the criticisms and problems

That I believe most define me

 

It isn’t done as it contorts all my thoughts

Every single one saying to me

This is what you did wrong”

This is why you’re not enough

And my poisoned mind can only agree

With the hate, it buries me in

 

Pounding on me

Crashing on me

Like thunder-waves of an angry sea

“You’re not strong enough”

“You’re not smart enough”

“You can’t finish your work fast enough”

“Everybody hates you”

“Just give up ”

 

Correction

There is no correction for the monster

That I turned myself into

The monster I think am

And yet anxiety’s blood-soaked hands reach out

It says “You horrible, human being”

“Believe all that you hear because I’m only going to open your eyes”

“Even if I must pry them, I will show you the damage you cause others”

 

I watch my cherished picture memories

Bleed from the picture frames

The faces of my loved ones bloodshot and furious

With their guns at the ready

Pointing at me

Anxiety says, “This is what people want to do to you”

But these knives and needles don’t compare

To what I might one-day point at myself

 

Anxiety drags me under the bed

I don’t want my life anyway, right?

I’m just one screw in the machine of human reproduction

Nobody will miss me

They will celebrate when I die

And I dare them to spill their soda

On the dead body in the kitchen

 

“Yes,” says Anxiety, “Now you understand”

It dunks my quivering body

In a vat of delusional tears

And I let myself drown

I let Anxiety take my body and walk it down the stairs

Around the corner

To the kitchen

This pain will never end

So my body picks up the steak knife and…

 

Wait, no

 

Suicide became way too common

I won’t let myself give in

I’m getting just the help I need

To one day finally win

I want to stay alive for long

To love and laugh and giggle

I want to try all the flavors

At the Chicken Little

 

I want to read the greatest books

About fierce adventure

I want for my whole family

To do road trips together

I want to have lazy Sundays

Where I sit and watch TV

And I can, because I know

I can be above anxiety

 

Mental illness takes over

So many people’s lives

And the darkness of the experience

Is so hard to describe

For those who don’t have it

Be there for those who do

For those with poor mentality

Hold on, you can get through

 

Thank you

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