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Mosquito-Thoughts
By MSGB - A powerful poem about anxiety (C)
It all starts with a thought
That flies in like a mosquito
And it perches on your leg
While you sip your cappuccino
That you got from Second Cup
Which I guess kinda sucks
‘Cause in your wallet pocket
Was a coupon for Starbucks
Anyway,
Now the mosquito-thought sticks with you
In its ever itchy bite
The mosquito-thought malaria
Slowly burns delight
Now the process is quite gradual
So you don’t seem to mind
The hole where self-love and esteem
Used to reside
Unaware of mental weaknesses
You go about your day
When a different mosquito-thought
Shares part of its decay
Now you really start to feel it
The anxiety attack
When the hole where self-love used to be
Fills up with black
It’s here.
Anxiety gives me a grin as it twists the mosquito-thought
Into a balloon animal made of aggression
A balloon animal of criticisms and problems
In the person I am
In the criticisms and problems
It knows I’m most ashamed of
In the criticisms and problems
That I believe most define me
It isn’t done as it contorts all my thoughts
Every single one saying to me
” This is what you did wrong”
” This is why you’re not enough ”
And my poisoned mind can only agree
With the hate, it buries me in
Pounding on me
Crashing on me
Like thunder-waves of an angry sea
“You’re not strong enough”
“You’re not smart enough”
“You can’t finish your work fast enough”
“Everybody hates you”
“Just give up ”
Correction
There is no correction for the monster
That I turned myself into
The monster I think am
And yet anxiety’s blood-soaked hands reach out
It says “You horrible, human being”
“Believe all that you hear because I’m only going to open your eyes”
“Even if I must pry them, I will show you the damage you cause others”
I watch my cherished picture memories
Bleed from the picture frames
The faces of my loved ones bloodshot and furious
With their guns at the ready
Pointing at me
Anxiety says, “This is what people want to do to you”
But these knives and needles don’t compare
To what I might one-day point at myself
Anxiety drags me under the bed
I don’t want my life anyway, right?
I’m just one screw in the machine of human reproduction
Nobody will miss me
They will celebrate when I die
And I dare them to spill their soda
On the dead body in the kitchen
“Yes,” says Anxiety, “Now you understand”
It dunks my quivering body
In a vat of delusional tears
And I let myself drown
I let Anxiety take my body and walk it down the stairs
Around the corner
To the kitchen
This pain will never end
So my body picks up the steak knife and…
Wait, no
Suicide became way too common
I won’t let myself give in
I’m getting just the help I need
To one day finally win
I want to stay alive for long
To love and laugh and giggle
I want to try all the flavors
At the Chicken Little
I want to read the greatest books
About fierce adventure
I want for my whole family
To do road trips together
I want to have lazy Sundays
Where I sit and watch TV
And I can, because I know
I can be above anxiety
Mental illness takes over
So many people’s lives
And the darkness of the experience
Is so hard to describe
For those who don’t have it
Be there for those who do
For those with poor mentality
Hold on, you can get through
Thank you