Why Make the First Move?

Push pin

Dear Diva

My best friend since preschool and I had a big fight and now we are not speaking to each other. This hurts me more than the stupid fight, which was really over nothing when you look back at it. Oh, Diva, I want to call her to apologize, but I didn’t start it, and I’m afraid she’ll say we are no longer friends.


Dear Why Make the First Move? Halifax

Dear Diva Character

Dear Why Make the First Move? Halifax

Don’t make the same mistake so many people do, which is losing a true friend over something stupid or because of pride or lack of communication. If it’s worth saving, let go of who should make the call, let the forgiveness in and make the call. If you don’t, the “would haves” or “could haves” will haunt you and before you know it, years will have passed and your once close friend will be a stranger.

Now, let’s look at the stupid fight, which was over nothing. Maybe your friend doesn’t agree. It could be very serious to your friend and if she thinks you think it’s nothing, maybe that’s why she’s not calling you. Also, people just need time to chill and reflect on if it’s worth going back as friends or just walking away.

Only through communication will you discover the truth behind the fight and start to mend the situation. Regardless of who started the fight, if your gut is telling you to call your friend, simply do that. Call him or her and ask to speak about what happened. No one is perfect and as you heal, the energy moves from who started the fight to mend a friendship. Making the call first doesn’t prove one is weaker than the other.

To me, it means you had time to cool down, look at the situation and see things a bit clearer. The other person on the phone may not be there yet. If after communicating this is still true, you must be ready to give them their space, let them heal, forgive and start moving forward. I call that healing from the inside out. Have faith and if it’s meant to be… it will be!

“…Only through communication will you discover the truth … and start to mend the situation…”

What are we fighting about?
The key here is to find out what is at the core of this argument. Usually the outburst/ fight/argument is the result of something that has been boiling inside for a while and it may or may not have anything at all to do with you. For example:

  • Your friend had something bad to tell you but couldn’t, so they would much rather cause a fight to push you away.
  • They expected more of you than you gave. If you’re unaware of these expectations, it might cause your friend to be disappointed and hold grudges and resentment, which lead to the fight.
  • They had low self-esteem and were afraid you would leave them, so they left first.
  • They felt crowded and need their own space.
  • They had pressure from other friends.
  • Your friend wanted to hang with a new crowd and didn’t know how to tell you.

Instead, they would make you mad enough to walk away so they are free to hang with whomever.

  • They felt they outgrew you.

The list can differ from each situation… BUT the key is communication!

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”
— Gloria Naylor

When are you ready to make the call?
Believe me, I know it’s hard to know when to make the call but your heart and gut will tell you… so trust it! Have faith and know that trying to save a friendship, finding out if it will continue or moving forward with your life is far better than always regretting that you didn’t make the call and being stuck in one spot.

It’s important that when you make the call you understand why you are calling. If it’s to place blame (you did that, you always say this…), this might just reheat the situation and then you’re back to where you started. Do not pick up the phone!

If it’s to listen to what the other person has to say (did I say LISTEN?) and place your feelings and needs aside until they finish speaking, then calmly share how you feel, speaking in the “I,” then you’re ready to make the call.

Example of the “I” Call
Hello____, “It would really mean a lot to me if we could talk about what happened,” or “I feel sad that we are not hanging out and I would like to know how you feel.”

~ Diva

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